I'm honestly not sure if today was good or bad for me.

Good:
-Art exam, SO easy. I mean, its an art exam...yeah.
-English exam, also easy, but we were supposed to have our rough draft of our essays done by the time class started so we could just write the final draft in class, and I instead wrote both drafts in class, so I barely finished, and it wasn't my best effort, but I'm sure I'll still have made an A...I think. I also didnt use all the paper he gave us, so that may knock my grade down some, whatever.
-Went to subway with Cheyenne and Kristen. That was good, and Chey bought me food :)
-Hung out with Chey at her house and watched scrubs and csi
-Practice went by pretty fast, and I had gloves today!
-I sold some more candy today.

Bad:
-I HAVE NOT SEEN MY BOYFRIEND SINCE TUESDAY, Its now Thursday. :(
-If I dont see him tomorrow at school, then I wont see him until Sunday, if I'm lucky.
-If I dont see him Sunday then I wont see him until Thursday...maybe, again.
-I already miss him so much, Thursday is too long to wait.
-I still have about $200 I need to save up before the 28th. So I'm screwed. PRAY FOR THAT FOR ME PLEASE.
-And I still need to buy presents for Mom and Grandmother, which I have no money to do so. F.
-I STILL haven't heard from West Georgia after the lady fixed my transcript stuff..uhhhh.
-And Limewire isn't finding the band I'm looking for.


Hmmm, basically everything is good I guess. I just need a lot of prayer, and I need to see my boyfriend hahaha :)

blah, blah, blah,

I like my boyfriend too much.
And I don't get to see him nearly as much as I would want to.

And I have exams this week.
And I'm trying to make Christmas cards for a lot of my friends since this is the last year I may see some of them.

rah rah rah.

I would tell you guys more of whats going on in my brain, but its mostly about Zach and thats super boring for everyone who isn't me.

I hope all is well for all of you.
:)

Those girls,

I don't want to be one of those girls who only really care about their boyfriend, and who are so dependant on them BUT...

GOODNESS. After the band banquet last night I was with Zach until 11:52-ish? Just so he could get home at midnight.
And lemme tell you, BEST NIGHT EVER.

I've missed him wayy more than I ever knew, and I am VERYY pleased with him.
;D

Also, I now have three more plaques to hang up and a good little bit of my Christmas shopping done, as well as some new clothes for myself.

I'm in a very good mood.
Life is good.

Oh My, :)

If you knew what was going through my heart and my mind right now you'd be this happy too.



...Just sayin.


PS. FINALLY. After a month now, Cory is officially NOT the last person I kissed.
Hah, Yesssss. :)

Self-Hate

Why do we do things JUST to torture ourselves? I was thinking about it, thinking how much I do it to myself, so I figured other people do it too. Probably all of you who read this nonsense of mine.

For me, whenever I have one thing that really bothers me, I like to try and think about it as much as possible when I could easily put it in the back of my mind and not care. And Ill try to find out more to torture myself, like misery loves company, except my misery really just wants to multiply within myself.

Theres this one thought, this one fact that will always bother me, and that I will probably never be able to get over and I force myself to think about it everyday.

And I shouldn't, I should be happy with all the good things, but this one bad thing is in the middle of all the good, and I'm standing here only looking at it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or what posting this will accomplish, but maybe it will just prove that I'm not the only one who does this.



On an even less positive note:
There is now one person who I utterly hate. Even when I said I hated Zach when I was upset with him, I didn't hate him....But now I do hate someone.
And I can't think of any person who I have hated since I got saved in 8th grade.
....Yeah.
:/

hmmm,

I feel like I am being wronged again.
That I'm just being played and led on and just used.
That I'm just a placeholder until someone better comes along.

And I hate feeling this way, and I hate that I can become so insecure at times, and that I can let the little things get to me.
But I do and I can and I always will.


I just hope it isn't the case this time.
I don't think I'll be able to recover as well again, and we all saw my shaky recovery this past time.....

I just don't know what to think.

Torture.

Why would anyone want to fall in love?




Honestly, to me it seems like complete self-torture.

Lets see...

Right now, you are all about to receive whatever happens to pop into my head while I'm writing this, because I enjoy reading you guyes' posts, so i hope you guys like to read mine, whether or not I have anything of any importance to say.
(How much of a New Yorker AM I?! I seriously wrote you guyes'...as in guys-es. HA!)

I went to church tonight, as always. And had a wonderful time like I do everytime I go to avalon. Normally the youth pastor Kirk has a lot of funny stories but tonight he was far more serious and mostly just talked about salvation. Which i thought was good because my friend Allen was there who does not know what he believes in. So I hope maybe that helped him?

I really want:
To lose weight (or more like tone up)
to get a freaking digital camera. to take better quality pictures, and to film with.
to hang out with Zach soon, because the more I'm with him the more I want to be with him. And I'm not sure how he accomplishes that, because its the opposite for every other person in the WORLD. but whatever.
to read by bible and text kimberly my two verses for the day.

So now that I have something else to do...I'm gonna go!
:)


Sorry for the pointlessness of this post, I'll do better one day.

Dumb emotions

Do you ever want to just cry for no apparent reason? Just all of a sudden you feel sad, and you can't exactly pinpoint it and you aren't on your period and you just don't know why but you are just sad.

I feel that way.
I feel like I need to cry but can't. Like my heart hurts for absolutely no reason but I can't make my body show the hurt that it feels.

I feel scared and alone and fragile and I'm not sure why....

Love is just a hoax, so forget everything you have heard

Life is all about change

Change happens, it always has and it always will.
You can either try to fight change or embrace it.

Right now I'm choosing to embrace change.


Things that are changing:
I broke up with Cory. He just isn't right for me. He didn't do anything wrong, he didn't hurt me. He just isn't the right person for me. Unfortunately there was no way to not hurt him, so he is hurt. But he will be alright, he will shrug it off sooner or later and he will find someone much better for him.

I'm talking to Zach. We said things that we should have said for a long time, we decided to be completely honest with each other and he apologized to me. I've forgiven him. Now we're friends and I'm more relieved than I thought I would be. Zach was such a big part of my life and it feels good having him back in my life.

I think forgiveness is such a crucial thing in life. People mess up, they can be hateful and horrible and thats just human nature. EVERY SINGLE PERSON SUCKS. Because we have a sinful nature and we can't ever be perfect. So holding on to grudges is pointless. I don't do it, I try to forgive anyone who hurts me. I suggest you guys do the same, because its better for YOU and it will make you feel better, but its your life.
Just a suggestion.
:)

i want to get out

Out of high school.
Out of Henry County
Out of this house.


I've been here too long and I'm getting restless

Lets just throw up all over again, shall we?

Zach texted Cory while I was with him.
No. Not just with him. While I was kissing him.

ZACH texted him.
Not the good Zach Baer who I still can like and respect...yeah. The other one.

And I saw Cory's phone and Cory actually TOLD Zach that he interrupted him kissing me.



Which then brings on the "IMGOINGTOJUSTTHROWUPFOREVERANDEVER" feeling, again.

I can not stand Zach. It isn't super hard for me to respect people, because I don't lose respect as quick as many other people will. I understand that everyone can make mistakes, or do bad things, or just flat out SUCK.
But no, I actually lost ALL respect for Zach. Thats how far he went. Yeah.

Distant?

I feel really closed off from the rest of the world.
I don't really tell anyone my problems anymore, and none of my friends tell me theirs. I feel like every relationship I have is kind of on the surface, and honestly...its all my fault. I suppose I've distanced myself away. Ive slowly stopped telling Kimberly things that go on with me, what people do to me or what is going on in my brain, and now she doesn't really even ask. We honestly don't talk that much, we only see each other on the car ride to school, which won't happen much longer, and at practice, when we don't even get real time to be best friends. And most of the other time I go somewhere, I go with Cory, not Kimberly.

I have no idea what is ever going on with Chrystall or Kristen or Brooke or Ansley or anyone who used to tell me things. I've always felt like I'm SUPPOSED to be here for all of you guys. I am SUPPOSED to be here to talk and rant to, to not tell a soul whatever you happen to mention and to try and give the best advice I can. But I can't think of the last time I gave a friend advice.

I really don't like myself, and I honestly don't see why my boyfriend or any of my friends do either.



Positive note: My boyfriend is sweet, cute and funny. And he turns 19 on saturday, and I'm working on what I'm gonna do for him. :DD

Its quite strange that..

We live in the "bible belt" of America, yet when I'm really happy and just praising God people look at me weird.


It makes me feel like we really aren't in the bible belt, just more so that people here want to be fake and be accepted so they say they believe in God.


Whatever, I had a really good moment with God today, and church this morning was spectactular and I'm just ready to praise God and I'm ready for Fontana camp this year.





Oh, and I have a boyfriend. :)

Kate watching football?

On TV?
An Alabama game?


Hahaha, this should be interesting.

Maybe chivalry isn't dead quite yet...

:D :D :D :D



Yeah, that is all I'm saying.

The silver lining, :)

I'm pleased to say that I've had a really great weekend.

I've been feeling a lot better, and just all around happier.
Its helped me a LOT to be around Chrystall and Kristin and Berly.
They are good at cheering up, especially when they are all together.
And my friend Allen SANG TO ME to make me happy, and if you knew him then you'd know that its RARE for that to happen. Especially since he hardly even TALKS to most people.

I'm just completely filled with joy right now, its good to know that moments like this really can exist even when everything else seems to be terrible.

I'm excited for tomorrow, for practice, and for the thing after practice for Ansley's booooo. :D
PRAY that I'm NOT an anchor this week, cause I have a feeling I won't want to try and look pretty for a camera everyday, after looking like crap for an entire week at the beach.



OH. And pray I get accepted into colleges, I just applied to some, and I'm kinda freaking out.

But I'm sure it'll be okay.
:)

UGHHHH!

I'm having people on my facebook CALL MY MOM and tell her that I'm having problems because of recent status updates when I'm upset.
WOW.

So now I'm getting attacked by my mom about whats going on in my life. Like I really need this right now.

FFFFFFFFFF.

>:[

I HATE HIM

I HATE HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL.
I HATE HOW I'M ALWAYS THROWING UP BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL.
I HATE THAT I'M EATING MORE BECAUSE IM STRESSED, AND THEN I LOOK AT MYSELF AND HATE MYSELF FOR HOW I LOOK, BUT KEEP EATING.
I HATE THAT PEOPLE KEEP COMING TO ME TO TELL ME THINGS ABOUT HIM.
BAD THINGS, THINGS THAT MAKE ME JUST WANT TO DIE.

I HATE THAT EVERYTIME I'M FINALLY OKAY FOR HALF A SECOND SOMETHING HAPPENS. SOMEONE TELLS ME SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. OR I THINK ABOUT SOMETHING HE IS DOING, OR HAS DONE TO HURT ME.

I HATE HOW MUCH IVE BEEN CRYING.
I HATE HOW HE DOESN'T CARE AT ALL THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. I HATE THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS HOW UPSET I AM, EXCEPT HIM. OR IF HE DOES KNOW, HE JUST DOESNT GIVE A CRAP AT ALL.

i hate how no matter what, i keep wanting to defend him. i want to stand up for him and say no, he's not an asshole. he's the best guy i know.


i hate how that used to be the truth but now is the farthest thing from the truth.


Excuse me while I throw up, again.
D:

Inspiration

So, I was just watching Hank Green and John Green videos, and while they are hilarious and nerdy, they can also be somewhat inspiring, which to me, those three elements COMPLETE a video.

Decreasing World Suck. Thats the best idea ever. It got me thinking, why can't a group of us get together and figure out a way to decrease world suck on our own. Not donating to some already made organization, but actually doing something OURSELVES. And maybe it doesn't have to help world suck yet, but maybe help out Henry County Suck. Or Georgia suck, or something.

And there isn't any excuse NOT to do it. We're too young, we don't have a big enough group of people to actually affect others. While most people would think that... I don't. Think back, the twelve disciples. There was twelve of them, we could easily get twelve people in on whatever we could decide to do. And, they were OUR AGE. Yeah, they weren't in their twenties or thirties, they were kids just like us.

I say we do something. Something impactful on other people.
I'm not messing around. Lets go for it, we have the ability to change lives, we just have to get rid of our own laziness to do it.

FML

I'm so PISSED off. I freaking had plans to spend time with Ansley, Kimberly and Chrystall and now I have to FREAKING STAY AFTERSCHOOL. Just to spend THREE HOURS putting my hair in a poof!
WTF.


It takes like two minutes to do that. And I had plans and was really freaking excited for those plans to happen and now they CANT cause Jess and Lisa want to change their mind LAST FREAKING SECOND.

UGH.

Oh, man.

You guys, Ansley and Morgan, make me want to cry.

I'm sorry to both of you, I want you both to know that I love you both dearly, and the people who have treated you like crap need to get a taste of their own medicine sometime soon.


Anyways, its really weird how many things can change in the span of a year. 365 days turns out to be a really long time, that flys by very quickly.
Since the beginning of my junior year....

I started "talking" to Corey Costa. I really liked him, A LOT, which is just dumb in general, as anyone who has met him knows. But, he's charming. I can give him that. He made me feel special when he talked to me and I thought he really liked me....until he met my best friend, my beautiful, fun, flirty, skinny best friend. He went for her. I liked him the entire time they went out. I also started liking Zach, but there was still feelings for Corey. Corey and Kimberly broke up, and then shortly after I started dating Zach. Zach and I dated off and on from October 2008- December/Januaryish 2009. Pretty much the entire time Corey would go behind Zach's back trying to get with me. One time I actually broke up with Zach because I liked Corey and I felt BAD, and I COULDN'T DO THAT TO ZACH. I couldn't bear liking both of them without Zach knowing, I didn't think it was fair to him.

Then, towards the end of my junior year I started liking Steven. Steven had wanted to date me earlier in the year, but I was more into Zach and didn't. Steven went for my best friend, my beautiful best friend. The one person who I will never be able to compare to. There will never be a boy who will ever like me and not like her, or who wont want to be with her more. I started hating Steven. When he dated my best friend, my friendship with her was at its worst. Shes still not over him.

Since band camp 2009: I started "talking" to Zach again. Its like I never really got over him, just put him in a place in my heart and in my brain that i refused to visit. But then I returned to that place when we started talking. What happened? He led me on. He told Chrystall that he thought he LOVED Katie Mcgee. But yet he was talking to me. Yet another girl I won't ever be able to compare to, never be able to look as cute as, or be as funny or flirty as. But for some reason, I told myself that I could outshine her, that I could make him see that I was better, even though I didn't believe it myself.
Then, as I'm still talking to him, I find out he is also talking to Kristin Carter, who is a friend of mine. He would tell me he missed kissing me, that he just wanted to be with me and all of this stuff, but then told her he had no intention of dating me....which he did not tell me.
Right now I'm really broken about this. I ended up not talking to him at all for a week or two, and only just started talking to him this past week. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, especially when someone mentions him or when I think too much about him. I also cry far too much now because of him. He was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be one of the good guys.

I can't listen to "My Heart" by Paramore, because it was our song, which now always comes onto shuffle. I can't think about him at school, or I will look too sad or cry or throw up. I can't talk to him or about him with anyone. I hate looking or talking to Katie Mcgee now because I'm talking to everything I'll never be, and I hate that I can see exactly why he would like her more than me. I can't trust him, and I don't trust much of anyone now. I try to, because I want to trust people. Normally I trust absolutely EVERYONE.

Now I don't even tell my best friend anything. I don't tell anything to anyone really, and I used to tell everything to everyone.

I'm Kate.

I'm sixteen and a senior in high school.

I try to stay positive, more so to help out other people around me than myself.

I care more about what God thinks of me than I do what you think of me.

I'm a colorguard captain at my high school, and I will probably keep doing guard even after I graduate.

I only want a few of my friends to ever read this.

----------

Right now, I'm terrified.

I have 150 something days left of high school left.

After that I'm going to......

EFF.

Hopefully go to West Georgia.

Hopefully march some drum corp this summer before college.

If I don't march dci this summer than maybe I'll spend a few weeks in Nicaragua.

Hopefully figure out what I should major in and spend my ENTIRE LIFE doing.

That is such a scary thought. That basically I have eight or nine months and then I am completely out on my own for the rest of my life. That I'll be my own person. That I have to start being fully responsible for myself and possibley grow up.

I'm sixteen. I make stupid decisions on a daily basis. I'm supposed to have a basic idea of what I want to do for decades and decades of my life NOW, and where to go to school to be most successful for what I want to do.

Basically: I just jumped into the ocean during a hurricane, and someone popped a big hole in my floaties.