Endless Possibilities

Its the start of a fresh new year, and so at this time everyone is making resolutions, or just deciding that somehow they will make this year better than the last.
But it will be the same, any drastic changes people try to make won't work, for the most part anyways.

But for me, 2010 isn't about TRYING to change anything.

It just is everything changing.

I'm going to graduate in May, and then after that I have no idea what is happening.
I'm living my life completely for God, and more so than what most people say when they mean that.
I mean that I want to do everything in my life to glorify Him.
If that means following MY PLANS and getting accepted to West Georgia and getting to open a coffee shop and through that getting glory towards Him or having my coffee shop work with some local ministry, whether that be Outsiders or not.
Or if that means that I won't be able to follow MY plans and instead just try and figure out God's plans for me along the way.
Whether that be me doing a lot of missionary work in my lifetime, or starting a family, or staying in henry county and reaching out to kids here.
I have no idea what He is going to bring me to do. But I will do it no matter what, because I know His plans for me are great, I just dont know them yet.

The hardest part is going to be explaining to my family why I would NOT go to college if thats what happens to be in his plans for me. And thats perfectly fine for me, because I trust Him, and I know He will do whats best for me...But considering my mom doesn't even believe in God to the best of my knowledge....yeah. It may not be so easy to tell them, especially to get support from them.

To anyone who may read this, I really just need your prayer. And for you not to tell me I'm crazy, cause I feel I'll get a lot of that.

(AND PRAY I CAN GET ABOUT $1300-$1500 BY THIS SUMMER. I would LOVEEE to go to Nicaragua to serve God.)

I'm honestly not sure if today was good or bad for me.

Good:
-Art exam, SO easy. I mean, its an art exam...yeah.
-English exam, also easy, but we were supposed to have our rough draft of our essays done by the time class started so we could just write the final draft in class, and I instead wrote both drafts in class, so I barely finished, and it wasn't my best effort, but I'm sure I'll still have made an A...I think. I also didnt use all the paper he gave us, so that may knock my grade down some, whatever.
-Went to subway with Cheyenne and Kristen. That was good, and Chey bought me food :)
-Hung out with Chey at her house and watched scrubs and csi
-Practice went by pretty fast, and I had gloves today!
-I sold some more candy today.

Bad:
-I HAVE NOT SEEN MY BOYFRIEND SINCE TUESDAY, Its now Thursday. :(
-If I dont see him tomorrow at school, then I wont see him until Sunday, if I'm lucky.
-If I dont see him Sunday then I wont see him until Thursday...maybe, again.
-I already miss him so much, Thursday is too long to wait.
-I still have about $200 I need to save up before the 28th. So I'm screwed. PRAY FOR THAT FOR ME PLEASE.
-And I still need to buy presents for Mom and Grandmother, which I have no money to do so. F.
-I STILL haven't heard from West Georgia after the lady fixed my transcript stuff..uhhhh.
-And Limewire isn't finding the band I'm looking for.


Hmmm, basically everything is good I guess. I just need a lot of prayer, and I need to see my boyfriend hahaha :)

blah, blah, blah,

I like my boyfriend too much.
And I don't get to see him nearly as much as I would want to.

And I have exams this week.
And I'm trying to make Christmas cards for a lot of my friends since this is the last year I may see some of them.

rah rah rah.

I would tell you guys more of whats going on in my brain, but its mostly about Zach and thats super boring for everyone who isn't me.

I hope all is well for all of you.
:)

Those girls,

I don't want to be one of those girls who only really care about their boyfriend, and who are so dependant on them BUT...

GOODNESS. After the band banquet last night I was with Zach until 11:52-ish? Just so he could get home at midnight.
And lemme tell you, BEST NIGHT EVER.

I've missed him wayy more than I ever knew, and I am VERYY pleased with him.
;D

Also, I now have three more plaques to hang up and a good little bit of my Christmas shopping done, as well as some new clothes for myself.

I'm in a very good mood.
Life is good.

Oh My, :)

If you knew what was going through my heart and my mind right now you'd be this happy too.



...Just sayin.


PS. FINALLY. After a month now, Cory is officially NOT the last person I kissed.
Hah, Yesssss. :)

Self-Hate

Why do we do things JUST to torture ourselves? I was thinking about it, thinking how much I do it to myself, so I figured other people do it too. Probably all of you who read this nonsense of mine.

For me, whenever I have one thing that really bothers me, I like to try and think about it as much as possible when I could easily put it in the back of my mind and not care. And Ill try to find out more to torture myself, like misery loves company, except my misery really just wants to multiply within myself.

Theres this one thought, this one fact that will always bother me, and that I will probably never be able to get over and I force myself to think about it everyday.

And I shouldn't, I should be happy with all the good things, but this one bad thing is in the middle of all the good, and I'm standing here only looking at it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or what posting this will accomplish, but maybe it will just prove that I'm not the only one who does this.



On an even less positive note:
There is now one person who I utterly hate. Even when I said I hated Zach when I was upset with him, I didn't hate him....But now I do hate someone.
And I can't think of any person who I have hated since I got saved in 8th grade.
....Yeah.
:/

hmmm,

I feel like I am being wronged again.
That I'm just being played and led on and just used.
That I'm just a placeholder until someone better comes along.

And I hate feeling this way, and I hate that I can become so insecure at times, and that I can let the little things get to me.
But I do and I can and I always will.


I just hope it isn't the case this time.
I don't think I'll be able to recover as well again, and we all saw my shaky recovery this past time.....

I just don't know what to think.