Oh My, :)

If you knew what was going through my heart and my mind right now you'd be this happy too.



...Just sayin.


PS. FINALLY. After a month now, Cory is officially NOT the last person I kissed.
Hah, Yesssss. :)

Self-Hate

Why do we do things JUST to torture ourselves? I was thinking about it, thinking how much I do it to myself, so I figured other people do it too. Probably all of you who read this nonsense of mine.

For me, whenever I have one thing that really bothers me, I like to try and think about it as much as possible when I could easily put it in the back of my mind and not care. And Ill try to find out more to torture myself, like misery loves company, except my misery really just wants to multiply within myself.

Theres this one thought, this one fact that will always bother me, and that I will probably never be able to get over and I force myself to think about it everyday.

And I shouldn't, I should be happy with all the good things, but this one bad thing is in the middle of all the good, and I'm standing here only looking at it.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, or what posting this will accomplish, but maybe it will just prove that I'm not the only one who does this.



On an even less positive note:
There is now one person who I utterly hate. Even when I said I hated Zach when I was upset with him, I didn't hate him....But now I do hate someone.
And I can't think of any person who I have hated since I got saved in 8th grade.
....Yeah.
:/

hmmm,

I feel like I am being wronged again.
That I'm just being played and led on and just used.
That I'm just a placeholder until someone better comes along.

And I hate feeling this way, and I hate that I can become so insecure at times, and that I can let the little things get to me.
But I do and I can and I always will.


I just hope it isn't the case this time.
I don't think I'll be able to recover as well again, and we all saw my shaky recovery this past time.....

I just don't know what to think.

Torture.

Why would anyone want to fall in love?




Honestly, to me it seems like complete self-torture.

Lets see...

Right now, you are all about to receive whatever happens to pop into my head while I'm writing this, because I enjoy reading you guyes' posts, so i hope you guys like to read mine, whether or not I have anything of any importance to say.
(How much of a New Yorker AM I?! I seriously wrote you guyes'...as in guys-es. HA!)

I went to church tonight, as always. And had a wonderful time like I do everytime I go to avalon. Normally the youth pastor Kirk has a lot of funny stories but tonight he was far more serious and mostly just talked about salvation. Which i thought was good because my friend Allen was there who does not know what he believes in. So I hope maybe that helped him?

I really want:
To lose weight (or more like tone up)
to get a freaking digital camera. to take better quality pictures, and to film with.
to hang out with Zach soon, because the more I'm with him the more I want to be with him. And I'm not sure how he accomplishes that, because its the opposite for every other person in the WORLD. but whatever.
to read by bible and text kimberly my two verses for the day.

So now that I have something else to do...I'm gonna go!
:)


Sorry for the pointlessness of this post, I'll do better one day.

Dumb emotions

Do you ever want to just cry for no apparent reason? Just all of a sudden you feel sad, and you can't exactly pinpoint it and you aren't on your period and you just don't know why but you are just sad.

I feel that way.
I feel like I need to cry but can't. Like my heart hurts for absolutely no reason but I can't make my body show the hurt that it feels.

I feel scared and alone and fragile and I'm not sure why....

Love is just a hoax, so forget everything you have heard

Life is all about change

Change happens, it always has and it always will.
You can either try to fight change or embrace it.

Right now I'm choosing to embrace change.


Things that are changing:
I broke up with Cory. He just isn't right for me. He didn't do anything wrong, he didn't hurt me. He just isn't the right person for me. Unfortunately there was no way to not hurt him, so he is hurt. But he will be alright, he will shrug it off sooner or later and he will find someone much better for him.

I'm talking to Zach. We said things that we should have said for a long time, we decided to be completely honest with each other and he apologized to me. I've forgiven him. Now we're friends and I'm more relieved than I thought I would be. Zach was such a big part of my life and it feels good having him back in my life.

I think forgiveness is such a crucial thing in life. People mess up, they can be hateful and horrible and thats just human nature. EVERY SINGLE PERSON SUCKS. Because we have a sinful nature and we can't ever be perfect. So holding on to grudges is pointless. I don't do it, I try to forgive anyone who hurts me. I suggest you guys do the same, because its better for YOU and it will make you feel better, but its your life.
Just a suggestion.
:)