Distant?

I feel really closed off from the rest of the world.
I don't really tell anyone my problems anymore, and none of my friends tell me theirs. I feel like every relationship I have is kind of on the surface, and honestly...its all my fault. I suppose I've distanced myself away. Ive slowly stopped telling Kimberly things that go on with me, what people do to me or what is going on in my brain, and now she doesn't really even ask. We honestly don't talk that much, we only see each other on the car ride to school, which won't happen much longer, and at practice, when we don't even get real time to be best friends. And most of the other time I go somewhere, I go with Cory, not Kimberly.

I have no idea what is ever going on with Chrystall or Kristen or Brooke or Ansley or anyone who used to tell me things. I've always felt like I'm SUPPOSED to be here for all of you guys. I am SUPPOSED to be here to talk and rant to, to not tell a soul whatever you happen to mention and to try and give the best advice I can. But I can't think of the last time I gave a friend advice.

I really don't like myself, and I honestly don't see why my boyfriend or any of my friends do either.



Positive note: My boyfriend is sweet, cute and funny. And he turns 19 on saturday, and I'm working on what I'm gonna do for him. :DD

Its quite strange that..

We live in the "bible belt" of America, yet when I'm really happy and just praising God people look at me weird.


It makes me feel like we really aren't in the bible belt, just more so that people here want to be fake and be accepted so they say they believe in God.


Whatever, I had a really good moment with God today, and church this morning was spectactular and I'm just ready to praise God and I'm ready for Fontana camp this year.





Oh, and I have a boyfriend. :)

Kate watching football?

On TV?
An Alabama game?


Hahaha, this should be interesting.

Maybe chivalry isn't dead quite yet...

:D :D :D :D



Yeah, that is all I'm saying.

The silver lining, :)

I'm pleased to say that I've had a really great weekend.

I've been feeling a lot better, and just all around happier.
Its helped me a LOT to be around Chrystall and Kristin and Berly.
They are good at cheering up, especially when they are all together.
And my friend Allen SANG TO ME to make me happy, and if you knew him then you'd know that its RARE for that to happen. Especially since he hardly even TALKS to most people.

I'm just completely filled with joy right now, its good to know that moments like this really can exist even when everything else seems to be terrible.

I'm excited for tomorrow, for practice, and for the thing after practice for Ansley's booooo. :D
PRAY that I'm NOT an anchor this week, cause I have a feeling I won't want to try and look pretty for a camera everyday, after looking like crap for an entire week at the beach.



OH. And pray I get accepted into colleges, I just applied to some, and I'm kinda freaking out.

But I'm sure it'll be okay.
:)

UGHHHH!

I'm having people on my facebook CALL MY MOM and tell her that I'm having problems because of recent status updates when I'm upset.
WOW.

So now I'm getting attacked by my mom about whats going on in my life. Like I really need this right now.

FFFFFFFFFF.

>:[

I HATE HIM

I HATE HOW HE MAKES ME FEEL.
I HATE HOW I'M ALWAYS THROWING UP BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL.
I HATE THAT I'M EATING MORE BECAUSE IM STRESSED, AND THEN I LOOK AT MYSELF AND HATE MYSELF FOR HOW I LOOK, BUT KEEP EATING.
I HATE THAT PEOPLE KEEP COMING TO ME TO TELL ME THINGS ABOUT HIM.
BAD THINGS, THINGS THAT MAKE ME JUST WANT TO DIE.

I HATE THAT EVERYTIME I'M FINALLY OKAY FOR HALF A SECOND SOMETHING HAPPENS. SOMEONE TELLS ME SOMETHING ABOUT HIM. OR I THINK ABOUT SOMETHING HE IS DOING, OR HAS DONE TO HURT ME.

I HATE HOW MUCH IVE BEEN CRYING.
I HATE HOW HE DOESN'T CARE AT ALL THAT I FEEL THIS WAY. I HATE THAT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS HOW UPSET I AM, EXCEPT HIM. OR IF HE DOES KNOW, HE JUST DOESNT GIVE A CRAP AT ALL.

i hate how no matter what, i keep wanting to defend him. i want to stand up for him and say no, he's not an asshole. he's the best guy i know.


i hate how that used to be the truth but now is the farthest thing from the truth.


Excuse me while I throw up, again.
D:

Inspiration

So, I was just watching Hank Green and John Green videos, and while they are hilarious and nerdy, they can also be somewhat inspiring, which to me, those three elements COMPLETE a video.

Decreasing World Suck. Thats the best idea ever. It got me thinking, why can't a group of us get together and figure out a way to decrease world suck on our own. Not donating to some already made organization, but actually doing something OURSELVES. And maybe it doesn't have to help world suck yet, but maybe help out Henry County Suck. Or Georgia suck, or something.

And there isn't any excuse NOT to do it. We're too young, we don't have a big enough group of people to actually affect others. While most people would think that... I don't. Think back, the twelve disciples. There was twelve of them, we could easily get twelve people in on whatever we could decide to do. And, they were OUR AGE. Yeah, they weren't in their twenties or thirties, they were kids just like us.

I say we do something. Something impactful on other people.
I'm not messing around. Lets go for it, we have the ability to change lives, we just have to get rid of our own laziness to do it.

FML

I'm so PISSED off. I freaking had plans to spend time with Ansley, Kimberly and Chrystall and now I have to FREAKING STAY AFTERSCHOOL. Just to spend THREE HOURS putting my hair in a poof!
WTF.


It takes like two minutes to do that. And I had plans and was really freaking excited for those plans to happen and now they CANT cause Jess and Lisa want to change their mind LAST FREAKING SECOND.

UGH.

Oh, man.

You guys, Ansley and Morgan, make me want to cry.

I'm sorry to both of you, I want you both to know that I love you both dearly, and the people who have treated you like crap need to get a taste of their own medicine sometime soon.


Anyways, its really weird how many things can change in the span of a year. 365 days turns out to be a really long time, that flys by very quickly.
Since the beginning of my junior year....

I started "talking" to Corey Costa. I really liked him, A LOT, which is just dumb in general, as anyone who has met him knows. But, he's charming. I can give him that. He made me feel special when he talked to me and I thought he really liked me....until he met my best friend, my beautiful, fun, flirty, skinny best friend. He went for her. I liked him the entire time they went out. I also started liking Zach, but there was still feelings for Corey. Corey and Kimberly broke up, and then shortly after I started dating Zach. Zach and I dated off and on from October 2008- December/Januaryish 2009. Pretty much the entire time Corey would go behind Zach's back trying to get with me. One time I actually broke up with Zach because I liked Corey and I felt BAD, and I COULDN'T DO THAT TO ZACH. I couldn't bear liking both of them without Zach knowing, I didn't think it was fair to him.

Then, towards the end of my junior year I started liking Steven. Steven had wanted to date me earlier in the year, but I was more into Zach and didn't. Steven went for my best friend, my beautiful best friend. The one person who I will never be able to compare to. There will never be a boy who will ever like me and not like her, or who wont want to be with her more. I started hating Steven. When he dated my best friend, my friendship with her was at its worst. Shes still not over him.

Since band camp 2009: I started "talking" to Zach again. Its like I never really got over him, just put him in a place in my heart and in my brain that i refused to visit. But then I returned to that place when we started talking. What happened? He led me on. He told Chrystall that he thought he LOVED Katie Mcgee. But yet he was talking to me. Yet another girl I won't ever be able to compare to, never be able to look as cute as, or be as funny or flirty as. But for some reason, I told myself that I could outshine her, that I could make him see that I was better, even though I didn't believe it myself.
Then, as I'm still talking to him, I find out he is also talking to Kristin Carter, who is a friend of mine. He would tell me he missed kissing me, that he just wanted to be with me and all of this stuff, but then told her he had no intention of dating me....which he did not tell me.
Right now I'm really broken about this. I ended up not talking to him at all for a week or two, and only just started talking to him this past week. I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, especially when someone mentions him or when I think too much about him. I also cry far too much now because of him. He was supposed to be different. He was supposed to be one of the good guys.

I can't listen to "My Heart" by Paramore, because it was our song, which now always comes onto shuffle. I can't think about him at school, or I will look too sad or cry or throw up. I can't talk to him or about him with anyone. I hate looking or talking to Katie Mcgee now because I'm talking to everything I'll never be, and I hate that I can see exactly why he would like her more than me. I can't trust him, and I don't trust much of anyone now. I try to, because I want to trust people. Normally I trust absolutely EVERYONE.

Now I don't even tell my best friend anything. I don't tell anything to anyone really, and I used to tell everything to everyone.

I'm Kate.

I'm sixteen and a senior in high school.

I try to stay positive, more so to help out other people around me than myself.

I care more about what God thinks of me than I do what you think of me.

I'm a colorguard captain at my high school, and I will probably keep doing guard even after I graduate.

I only want a few of my friends to ever read this.

----------

Right now, I'm terrified.

I have 150 something days left of high school left.

After that I'm going to......

EFF.

Hopefully go to West Georgia.

Hopefully march some drum corp this summer before college.

If I don't march dci this summer than maybe I'll spend a few weeks in Nicaragua.

Hopefully figure out what I should major in and spend my ENTIRE LIFE doing.

That is such a scary thought. That basically I have eight or nine months and then I am completely out on my own for the rest of my life. That I'll be my own person. That I have to start being fully responsible for myself and possibley grow up.

I'm sixteen. I make stupid decisions on a daily basis. I'm supposed to have a basic idea of what I want to do for decades and decades of my life NOW, and where to go to school to be most successful for what I want to do.

Basically: I just jumped into the ocean during a hurricane, and someone popped a big hole in my floaties.